Mother's Day from Wisconsin (and, the long haul) (MB)

Aw baby! Why did I abandon this blog for over two (2) months? You just made my adrenaline level go up a little higher than it's been for probably the whole time since I last checked in, Ab. You're a hell of a writer, and I realize why life has been just a bit drabber since you left for the Coast. You are a mirror under florescent lights at 1 a.m. for me -- and I mean that in the best possible way. You always provide a solid challenge to my comfortable assumptions, and that's why I love you. Due to the sheer delay on my part in getting back to you, this post is going to have a little bit of housekeeping before I get at the very important themes of your last post.

 First, obviously no April Spring Break trip to see you ever did happen. We took a more standard route to visit friends and family on the east coast. You might say it was a safe choice, and pleasant. Would have been great to get there with y'all but thing is, your kids and my kids were not off school same time, so it seemed like it might not work, and the logistics and money were making me a bit trigger-shy. We got a great option to go east and it was easy to take. It was a good get-away. Maybe that's another post.

Second, our birthdays are coming. And, through the minimal email that has occurred between us I have surmised that you guys may be back in Sconnie for it. (Dear readers, if you are out there, Abigale and I do in fact commit to focus our communication solely on this blog, thus keeping its true lady-friend letter-writing tradition-based authenticity in tact, but occasionally a simple blast from Ab to Henry's fan club back home or a quick exchange regarding potential travel plans does happen via email). Regarding our upcoming birth date, potentially in Wisconsin, do I feel another DJ Frank dance party coming on? I will never forget the one a few years ago when many of my relatives, including my parents, and many of our East Side friends came on down to the Mercury for a true throw-down including full blown chanting in unison to "Don't You Want Me Baby" that old call-and-response 80s tune (classic).

 Third, you have had quite the whirlwind of call-backs and potentially life-changing developments in Henry's young acting career since you last wrote. I am not actually sure if good "luck", as you would term it, has won the day. You'll have to fill me in.

Fourth, it's Mother's Day, and that should not go un-acknowledged. How was yours? You certainly deserve to be showered with love and affection today. As your last post most eloquently details, you have put your boys' education (I think I mean that in the Spanish sense, educacion, "raising") first and in fact made it your passionate life pursuit. As for my Mother's Day, it's been good and it seems like everyone else's has too. When I say everyone, I mean the ladies I most wish a happy Mother's Day for -- my mom, grandma, sisters, and friends. But, I also mean "everyone". I have recently made the mistake of starting to read Facebook on my phone (I previously set up an account in the early days, accepted several hundred friend requests, then promptly abandoned the email linked to it and ignored it for six-month intervals; now, I can read the news feed at any damn time of the day). According to Facebook, it seems just about everyone is having an amazing Mother's Day, complete with documentation of every breakfast in bed and gift given and many overtures about the greatness of individual and all moms ever to live. Mine, as I mentioned, was quite pleasant, especially when considered historically. I could tell you some stories about the trials and tribulations of Mother's Day as a single mom. There have been some pretty solid ones (for example, when I had law firm tickets to the luxury box at Miller Park) and some pretty shaky ones, of which an entire memoir could be written, that could basically represent the dysfunction of a tight-knit single parent family. These shaky Mother's Days generally include me planning something that I want to do with the kids, and then spending the whole day fighting with them about how they should be trying to be nice and enjoy it and do what I want to do because it's Mother's Day. This has included brunches in cute Mother's Day spots, day-trips for a hike, and even a ferry ride to Uruguay from Buenos Aires when we were living in Argentina. In all of these "shaky" cases the worst part is that inevitably there are families nearby who are going through the motions of a pretty pleasant Mother's Day experience, and whose presence reminds me how pathetic our Bridget Jones version of the holiday is. Now that Facebook exists on my phone, that contrast was slightly present today despite the fact that we -- purposely -- spent most of today around the house ("my hubby surprised me with. . . /I am chillin by the pool in a tropical destination on Mother's Day!/my cutest ever kids are cuddled up in my king-sized bed with me with a well-planned gift"). All in all this one was right in the middle, and I feel pretty pleased about it. Started the day with nine 12-year-old girls in the house for Madeline's birthday sleepover, and by 11 a.m. we were mostly cleared out, no worse for the wear, house NOT trashed (!). Managed to get both kids involved in mowing and yard stuff and getting the garden ready on a most beautiful May day. I had a few moments of listening to my own music and also reading the hilarious book I am on right now, The Dud Avocado (have you read it?). I did have some Bridget Jones moments including several outbursts by me similar to the most recent one "I am going to sing Aretha Franklin if I want to today because it's Mother's Day and I don't CARE if you think I am annoying!" You get the point. Pretty solid. I hope you got to do something fun or for yourself.

Okay, now on to the real post -- the response to yours, that is. I get what you mean about the long-con, and all the opportunity that you have in your California existence to educate your boys on the glimmery, shimmery, luck-drives it, path-less-traveled, risk-taking, charm-your-way-through side of life. And I support you using California time for that. For sure. You ask if any of your comments about it resonate with me. In short, absolutely. Maybe too much. I was raised by a dad who frequently captured his philosophy on life with one phrase: "I'd rather be lucky than good." (The context usually gave the comment the additional meaning of "and I am -- lucky.")

And, as you know, I trust (or I think we would not still be friends after all these years) I have a pretty insatiable appetite for all that the world has to offer. And we all know that the interesting stories from life, and life's biggest stars, seem to play by a different set of rules than what the conventional wisdom would tell us is safe and right. And I've definitely rolled the dice on taking the riskier path. I did it when I was 18 and ran off to California for my first year of college, I did it when I went hitchhiking across the country with my first post-high school boyfriend, and I did it when I followed through with starting a family with that boyfriend at an age when most of my contemporaries were simply moving in their first college apartment. Then, I did it again after getting divorced when I went to law school and started taking my kids on international adventures while working on research projects. I think a certain sense of trying to defy the odds (what the hell?) drove that.

But, I must say, the last six or seven years have been a true lesson in the other side of life. I've been here, in Wisconsin, and I've been somewhat run out of special tricks like the ones I was able to come up with as a younger person and as a student. I've got to pay the bills and raise the kids. I haven't found a way to ease up on those responsibilities or the work required to get it done. I still dream that a break will come, but truth is once you get busy with the work and family schedule it's hard to find time or energy for the dreamier things that might bring something my way. So, with full knowledge that it may be a phase and it may be an overly hardened perspective and I may even be in denial about how I could really be living better, but -- I would say my orientation these days is a bit more toward the hard work and gaining some basic skills that people are willing to pay you for, no matter if you can charm your way through or not. I have found that being able and willing to work hard and having some marketable skill is what will save you from utter failure when the tricks up your sleeve run out or are on "pause".

What's more, I do think the working Wisconsin values have set in -- gracefully, not harshly -- in my world view since I have settled into just being a Wisconsin mom here. I look around and truly admire the hell out of the people who I observe that have done their honest day's work and paid their dues, so to speak. And I see a lot of beauty and satisfaction in that, not just fulfillment of a cultural obligation.

Now as for Peter and Madeline, first -- they are great. And as you know, Peter could charm a damn snake out of a tree and still has his gorgeous face but now on a 6-foot-tall lean tall frame. Madeline is so exceedingly competent and on top of everything and now sassy-cute and stylish in her tween-ness that I think people just sort of get out of her way and accept her. So yeah, they've got some things working in their favor to follow in a certain family tradition of pushing the limits and taking some risks that could pay off. But I find myself emphasizing the work and sensibility, while emphasizing that of course they can do whatever they want to in life, and anything is possible! 

I guess it's that persistence thing you're talking about. I also translate that principle to willingness-to-do-what-it-takes. My thing is if you've got something that's your con-job, the thing that makes you most glowingly happy and is your dream to shoot for -- then yeah, let's go. But, you've got to be willing to take the steps it takes to get there, and you can't abandon the basic underlying facts (hard ground) that lie beneath every such shot at a dream (tight rope walk). Better have some humble skills and the ability to do the grind if and when the time comes.

My current example is Peter. He's golfing, and golfing pretty well, and as you know, the kid was always going to play a sport and this is the one that he's narrowed down to and is probably going to excel in the most. So, this pro in town tells him he may have what it takes to play in college, etc, but he actually has to get the grades and have good character and not make any boneheaded mistakes in high school, or he'll significantly sabotage his chances of getting a scholarship or playing in college. This is an "aha" moment for me because it perfectly captures (coincidentally) the thought process I have about it. Will I support the dream, and just today, did Peter and I watch a tall lanky guy built much like himself win the Players Tournament, and did I see the guy high-fiving his mom after he won and feel a few happy tears running down my face? Hell yeah. And when this golf pro tells me we need to get Peter new clubs that I can't afford do I do it anyway? Yes. But when Peter plays the "Mom, won't you support my dream?" card when he's lobbying for a membership to a course or some such access to MORE golf that I am supposed to pay for, I'm like: 1. Do your part dude, and show me the grades; and 2. You're still gonna need to get a job and pitch in because I'll be damned if you're not gonna know how to scrape a grill or carry some elder golfer's clubs around because in that great pursuit of a dream you gotta know how to work FOR it, and you gotta know how to work well in CASE you need back up.

And unfortunately with that little snake-charmer Peter with those big brown eyes and savvy smile and good humor I have to hit these points over and over again because he will con me, and he will con the world -- to a point. He takes after his mom, and I seem to have run my con for the short term (carried myself from age 18 to age about 28 on the whimsy), but then the pause button hit and ever since, I have really needed those skills and work and to be honest I kind of had to learn it all over again, you know? But I am better for it. 

And there is for sure some hard work and hard face lines and grubby hands running through our Wisconsin tradition here. But there's a lot of love and pleasure, and of course, in the midst of all that tradition, there's certainly the shot at a dream. Always. I just think my view, and the Wisconsin view, may be that it's a pretty long haul, and there's definitely some hard work in there somewhere. Hardly anybody gets around it if they are to really live well. I think the fact that your boys had once lived here makes it easier for "LA Education" to be a thing, and not a life front-to-back, and that's all the more reason to go after it while you can. Not that you're coming back, but you can always send them back to me for a summer if we need to straighten one of them out.

Other cool thing about Wisconsin -- that hard work, basic skill thing? It's become stylish, you know? All the local food and cheese and beer and artisanship and all the handcrafted everything. So en vogue, and so HERE (holy Farmer's market and local organic regional cuisine restaurants -- we are saturated!) -- and so NOT possible through a con. There is something so damn admirable and virtuous about that.

I may have been raised in Wisconsin, and one would think I would have started out with those persistent, skilled, hard-working values, but I think I came of age in a somewhat quirky family and knowing I could work a good con, and so avidly seeking that kind of spice in my life. At the moment, though, I am thinking a lot about good honest work and warning my kids a whole lot about the need to be thorough, work well, do their best, and play the main game well. But you have astutely reminded me that I should be telling them that while they should master that main game well (chess), they should do because it might well serve their dream (poker, L.A.-style, the long-con).  And, it can offer a solid life true to the virtue of their Wisconsin tradition, in the event they are not a poker player, or in the event they ever need to recover from a bad hand.

Remind me to dream again, and encourage my kids to do so, just in case this grind has me a little bogged down. I'll make sure if you go too far with the long-con we pull you back here for some meat, cheese, beer, and diggin in the garden.

Should I be worried that Charlie has already quit a hippie preschool? Did he flip off the macrobiotic lunch lady? xooxoxoxoxoxo

LA Education (the long con)

I like poker players. Hustlers. Artists. Actors. Entrepreneurs. Professional athletes. Authors. Musicians. Anyone who does freelance anything (so I am all about your hangin' a shingle approach). Comedians. Absolutely. Love those guys. Con artists all. Drug dealers and criminals you ask? You would need to see the look on my face to know how difficult and interesting I find that question. for another post...

I don't take any sort of pride or interest in the subject of work. I never have. All my heroes and mentors have found some way to avoid it, and so it goes. I often sit mute in groups when conversation turns to work life, because I have nothing to add, and feel bored out of my skull. (The subject makes me want to drink and stand over a breezy grate in sexy underpants.) One of the things I was fleeing when I left the midwest -- a sense that good old fashioned hard work was so highly prized that my kids might get the wrong idea. I wanted to show my children some California fools gold.

Of course, I don't support myself and would have a seriously hard time of it if I tried. I like money, don't get me wrong, so my position is often contradictory and dishonest. Frank and I try to limit our debt so that anything seems possible, but Frank working a corporate soul sucking job for the past fifteen years is really what has afforded me the luxury of my views.

I have never had the drive, ambition or talent for any of the lofty long-con careers I so esteem. Not really. In my 20s the artist life appealed to me certainly, but lack of fortitude and vision caused me to stumble and doubt. I also got pregnant at 24, not that I don't love the stories of single moms who struggle through and make a go of it. fuck yeah J. K Rowling. work it M.B. Collins. Love those -- but that's not my story. Today I'm sure that many screenplays and novels rest unharvested in my soul, and yet the ability to sit down and write everyday in earnest just isn't appealing enough. I'm not hungry for it. I'd rather help my kid Henry with an education about the long con.

So the thing with Henry is not about work. It's about Henry learning how charm, beauty, hustle and talent can be used to make money. And it's fun. LA professional acting is not a game that can be won with pure strategy. (It's not chess, a game I find as tedious as work.) This is poker. You need some skills but the whole LA thing relies heavily on bluffing and luck. But the payoff is big and most importantly, you get used to losing a lot and trying again. I feel so happy to teach this to my kid. Not the acting dream. I don't care about that. I am so glad to share the con game with him. LA is an opportunity to learn about systems that reward without reason.

I believe life rewards without reason and you have to be charming and flexible to play. Most people get really confused and angry and trudge through life like big boobs, believing that reason will save them and then getting pissed when it doesn't.

I'm trying to teach my kids not to be boobs. And I'm not just talking about semantics. When Henry gets a commercial job I say, "you won the lottery". We celebrate luck. Every time we drive to an audition I believe we are playing the lottery. I don't take any sort of pride in that. I don't want Henry to confuse ego and luck. We are playing a game. We are risk takers. We have perseverance, but everyone needs that to win at anything. Perseverance is a given. I find great satisfaction in this idea -- I have turned the LA adventure into a perfect educational tool.

Of course I also think Henry has talent and has worked hard over the years, but so has everyone in LA. Talent becomes another given.

I think we have it all wrong, the way we educate our kids. Our national message to teenagers is to stay in school, obey the rules, get good grades and go to college. The best they can hope for is to ace their exams and get scholarships. And then gasp. They get into a good college. Hooray. And then they protest vigorously because their degrees are meaningless and they are in debt. But I digress. The main point is that the traditional approach is boring and doesn't reward risk taking or creativity. Also the game is too easy. Also the game rewards only a very small slice of potential talents. Also the game says nothing about realistic potential and the end game. I could go on and on here........ Does any of this ring true to you MB? I wonder how you view the system for Peter and Maddie. How do you talk to them about school stuff? What are your expectations for them in regards to grades and future goals?

I know Peter and Maddie possess more charm in their little pinkies than most children...that was always very apparent. Miss those two. sigh.

Anyway, I have found a way to avoid an educational system I don't respect with Henry. I will try to scheme similar paths with my other two kids as they grow older. Of course, I will need different strategies because they are motivated by different factors. I try to pay attention. What makes Jimmy's eyes gleam and sparkle? Where does Charlie want to take risks? What do they do every day for pleasure that could be turned to profit? On what do they obsess?

So yes, currently both Jimmy and Henry are in school. Henry is going to a public high school with 5,000 kids and he is doing the bare minimum. He has two gym classes! Jimmy is going to a private big brain school because I think public middle school is pretty toxic and I wanted him to make friends with nerdy children. Jimmy still seems to want close friendships outside of the family and he has had more success making friends than any of the rest of us. There is part of me that really wants to unschool, but the reality is both Henry and Jimmy wanted to get out and meet people and look around a bit. Makes sense to me.

Charlie just quit a hippie preschool. another post on this for sure..........

I know we could figure out some sort of awesome adventure in April if you are still in. Call me sometime for talk of details.

Best. Best. Best.
Abby

Work Life (MB)

I loved loved loved hearing about your current work life, dear. Because that is what you are doing when you are getting butt cramps driving back and forth to L.A. and cleaning up vomit and being stage mom -- well, just being a mom, for that matter, because the thing is no mom doing their job can rightfully turn away from the labor of nurturing a kid's God-given talent and willingness to put it to good use. And, I just want to say for the record that you are very, very good at your job.

When I saw the VW commercial starring Henry, my first comments to family and friends were "Holy Shit! They've only been out there, like, 8 months!" and "Abby obviously knows what she's doing." Now, that's not to take away from Henry's obvious God-given talent. I've been a groupie for years, and I'm a believer. But you only need to go to L.A. once to discover that there is an entire world of wishful could-be stars who just DON'T get their break for whatever reason. And I gotta believe that as learning curves and access issues go, a mom and son driving into Southern California from Wisconsin are extremely disadvantaged as compared to the Real Orange County housewife types who have lived around this stuff their entire life and who know some people and who have way more cash means to just get access and have had their kids involved in the right stuff since Day 1.

So, I am incredibly impressed that Henry already has had the awesome Jetta commercial -- which they are playing all the freakin' time -- and he looks so good and grown up and cute and he does just so perfectly well in that damn thing. And, I've received your simple email letting me know that Henry GOT the Verizon commercial which was one of the two call-backs you were painstakingly driving to L.A. for . . . . my distanced assessment is that you are achieving great success in your current endeavor. And I know, just know that you used your shrewd ability to figure out how to get something done right to accomplish this success. Congrats!

I just met yesterday for casual drinks with a client/friend who is also a young Executive Director (although the organization she runs is much, much bigger and has more infrastructure than the one that I direct). We decided, based on the recommendation from a super-ambitious law school friend of mine who now lives in Portland, to start a small group of gals who are finding their way in professional leadership roles, who can get together once in a while to hash out questions, issues, etc. For example, one question I always run into -- in a small organization with a staff of four, including me, how the hell is one supposed to do performance reviews? And is it even necessary? I mean, we're all on top of each other all the time, and in constant contact. So, my default position on this is: if there's a problem, we're going to talk about it, and the need to step back and do a cold calculating analysis of "performance" seems like a tactic to unnecessarily emphasize hierarchy or something. I recognize the need for people to be able to step back and think about how they do their jobs, and what they can focus on for the next year or whatever. So, just an example of reasons why it would be good to have a sounding board of other ladies who are not related to my job, who I can specifically get together with to safely hash out dynamics and tactics and ways to get from point A to point B in one's work life.

Reflecting on all the challenges I can infer that you must be facing in yoru current work life, I imagine you could use something like this too. I imagine that all the classic issues that face any professional are there for you: power dynamics (which agent has which connections, who has an advantage based on personal relationships), management issues (what if Henry really needs to do something to be successful but he's just not into it?), time management and need for support and infrastructure issues (I know you could use a secretary or driver right about now, but you're not there yet with the income, right?), etc. Anyway, work life is tough, and it seems we could all live and work 100 years and still be learning and mastering all the while.

I realized that a lot of my prior entries have been about really personal emotional family type stuff. But my outside-the-home work is a big part of my life these days too, of course. And things are going pretty well. But it took a long time for things to feel "normal" in my new work life. It's been about two and a half years since I switched from being an overpaid and undercommitted associate in a large law firm to becoming a "part time" Executive Director of a tiny non-profit agency, and, simultaneously, opening my own small independent law practice. At first when I made this switch, there was not a financial impact because I had a little cushion, but there was a pretty big sense that I was creating EVERYTHING from scratch in the non-profit and in the law firm. So, every communications piece I wrote for the non-profit, every Board of Directors meeting, every court hearing, every client bill, was like a new project -- no template, having to question every impulse or instinct I had and having to figure out if I really understood the power dynamics, process, authorities at hand, etc. It was more tiring than I realized, I think. And juggling both things was a bit of a challenge -- I needed the money from my client work but my Executive Director job never really "turned off." If there was an issue in the non-profit, I had to handle it, you know? And the fundraising -- oh, the fundraising. It's a small organization but let's just say I've done enough special events planning, and grant reporting, and grant writing, than I needed in my entire lifetime.

Over the last two years, things have gotten much, much more efficient. I've just done everything at the non-profit at least once before, you know? So it's not so cumbersome. The law practice just ticks along -- it's true what they say. Once you hang a shingle and get yourself out there a bit, the work comes. It's very liberating having these two positions in which I am the boss, I can figure out how I want to get things done, and I have a lot of flexibility to figure out how to raise my kids in the background of all this. I am absolutely thrilled that I never feel like I have to sneak out the back door of the law firm to go see my kid get an award at school again. I've also grown that little organization to a point where soon, I will not bear the burden of all of the work that bogs me down. I'm hiring contractors to help and will be hiring more employees before long. The drudgery that really ate up a lot of time -- filling out forms, making copies, composing letters to donors -- is becoming more and more delegable. We have templates, and we have raised enough money to hire some of that stuff out. Thank goodness! In the meantime, my only complaint about my work life of late has really just been that the money is tight. Working the way you want to comes at a price, of course -- there's a reason why people put up with the misery of working at a big law firm, and it's a six-figure reason. But I'm even rounding the bend on that issue, I think. It's just been an adjustment.

This weekend I am feeling particularly good about work -- perhaps before long I'll be writing in a more cynical state -- but, Friday we had an awesome fancy cocktail affair for the non-profit. It was WAY more grown up than any event we've ever had, and I ended up finding an 85% off Calvin Klein slinky but appropriate fire engine red dress to wear to it, a ton of interesting people with means showed up and partied down, and we were surrounded by ice sculputres and 20-foot tall flower arrangements. Hey -- that's some pretty fun stuff. Add to that amazing specialty cocktails, my time on the mic talking about the organization going fairly well, and some serious action on the dance floor to MJ and Salt and Pepa classics, and ample comments about how good that 85% off dress looked, and it was a pretty overall kick-ass night. Above all, it is so, so good to see our little-engine-that-could non-profit, which I inherited as a little-known organization that had just broken the six-figure budget benchmark, in this new state of legitimacy. We are basically rocking it.

On a funnier note, I have a good story that actually throws back to my law firm days but I've never really told anybody about it and I thought you would appreciate it. So, wearing my lawyer hat recently, I was helping a client deal with some intellectual property issues. I was able to usher them through some initial analysis of the issues and clarify objectives, but it was clear we needed to consult an intellectual property attorney from a larger firm to check our strategy and provide expertise on the specifics. So my client goes to this attorney we work with on these issues at the firm I actually used to work at. That's not a coincidence -- the whole way this client is my client is that I worked with them when I was at the firm, and for general counsel matters they came with me when I went to my own practice. But there are still specialized issues that they'll go back to the firm for -- retirement benefits, intellectual property, etc.

So we schedule this meeting with this partner from the firm, and it was pretty fun to go in there and consult with him as equals and run our strategy by him and basically get feedback that we were right on; kind of validating, you know, because when we were both under the same roof at the firm I was just this peon and now here we are working out a strategy as lawyers together.

But the point is the whole thing brought back this funny memory from when I was at the firm. It's hard to explain but there was this pressure to attend social stuff related to the firm, even when it didn't make sense in my schedule, wasn't the way I wanted to spend my social time, etc. It's a pretty universal theme of the lawyer world, at least in Madison. You sort of feel like you have to participate in the whole bit, inclduing these social obligations, to do well. And for me -- single mom with kids at home and generally super cynical about these sort of business politics games -- it's funny to think I even played along as much as I did.

But one happy hour after work in the summertime back then I went, and there was a mix of partners and associates, and this lawyer that I had to meet with recently was there. We all got just a bit loosened up and when it came time to head home from the drinking establishment, I walked out ahead of him and another partner and just as I was about to turn the the corner at the end of the block, I stepped on a street vent (the purpose of which to this day I am still unsure of). Before I know it my cotton H&M dress with cute 1960s stylings (tight boddess and full skirt -- very appropriate for work with a cardigan) flies up around my torso. Yes, the vent fully blew my skirt up, exposing all that was underneath to the law firm parnters behind me.

So, in that moment -- what can you do? Absolutely nothing. I hopped off the vent, batted down the skirt and impulsively whipped my head back to see if the gentlemen behind me had seen. Oh yes, yes they had. We all struck a balance between a healthy laugh and trying not to play it up too much. There were drinks involved so I'm not certain at this point if anyone said anything or what but let's just say it was acknowledged. Then, I had to continue walking down the street with them behind me, and the incident behind me, and all I could think about was "what the hell underwear am I wearing? what the hell underwear am I wearing?" I guess I just wanted to know the reality of what they saw. I think I figured it out before having to physically check, and -- it was my most expensive flame-red fancy pair from Victoria's Secret, of a styling that did not leave much up for question in terms of what my actual rear end looked like under that skirt. I couldn't tell (and am still not sure) what would have been worse -- that I be wearing something like that, which might make it seem like I was TRYING to be sexy, or if I had been wearing some tattered old thing that would have been clearly NOT sexy but still embarassing for other reasons, you know? Anyway.

The happy hour was on a Friday and on Monday I was in the office early and the first call I get on my phone is from that partner's office extension. I decide to just head off the awkwardness and picked up the phone saying "I hope you're not calling me to give me a hard time about the little incident on Friday, because I can tell you I am embarrassed enough about that."

And, it turns out he is calling for a completely different, legitimate work related reason, but after having explained that says, "but you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about" in this very pointed, slow way, to which I had absolutely no response. One of those moments when you're like, do I acknowledge that this may be a really inappropriate comment? I think he meant well, and wasn't creepy, and was trying to be nice, but -- it seems slightly suggestive, yes?

Anyway, I'm glad those butt-flashing law firm days are over and my sleeves are rolled up on my own work, in my own way, and I can see slow but real progress with what I'm trying to do.

I think you and Henry are seeing some serious progress with your work already and even if it's hard to see why you're driving carsick kids back and forth so much and why Henry has to dwell in commercial land for so long before a feature, from the outside it looks like you are seriously executing on a plan. Things just seem to take longer than one hopes.

So glad Hen and Peter are in touch. I wonder what Jimmy is up to? Is Charlie still an artist? How is Frank doing with HIS new work life, speak of the devil?

Anyway, I hope we get to catch up on these things soon in person. Still trying to figure out spring break. Our kids' weeks off of school don't match. Mine are off the week before yours. So. And, by the way, does this mean your kids are in school? Fill me in!

love love love

MBC

Different Worlds

I had to laugh out loud when I read that you had a good Valentines Day. My Valentines Day was whacked out.

First of all, the stage mom thing is currently all consuming. We found out on Valentines Day that after two callbacks Henry does not look good eating chicken. Bojangles decided to go with another kid actor for their national campaign to eat more fried chicken. I actually never thought Henry should be submitted for chicken eating because he has braces and who wants to see that shit (?), but all said we had to drive to LA three times just to get turned down on Valentines Day.

__________________________

At some point on Valentines Day Charlie hears me say it is Valentines Day and he asks if it really is Valentines Day in a disbelieving little voice. "What are we going to do for it?"' he muses.

"Nothing," I reply, "we're driving to LA."

"I hate driving to LA," he screams. I shove him in the car with the mobile dvd player. Problem solved.

After three hours of hard, aggressive driving (me whirling dervish style between lanes trying to make the call time) we get there with minutes to spare. I drop Henry at the door and try to find parking, carefully avoiding the block where several dozen junkies congregate. Charlie gets in the front seat and looks green. And then yes, he does. He throws up all over the front seat and dashboard. Happy Valentines Day. Carsick kid. Three hour drive home in a vomit car.

When I get home Frank is already asleep. I carry Charlie in from the car sleeping and sticky.

I shove five chocolates in my mouth and forget to brush my teeth.

______________________

We drove up to LA several more times this week and after the fifth day my ass had such a cramp I had to get off the 405 during rush hour and cry. This morning I thought it was all for nothing but then (hooray) at about 4 this afternoon Henry got two callbacks for commercials -- one for Verizon (because he can act like he can text) and one for Cedar Point Amusement Park (because he looks good screaming?). sigh. Next week looks like another butt cramp. If you are wondering wtf with all the commercials, the kids gotta cook a half dozen before theatrical casting will even look at him, or so we're told. That's a lot of fried chicken.

I don't bake or hardly cook anymore. I eat smoothies on the go. I forget holidays and drive like a maniac.

For what?

A dream.

I want my kid to see that if he wants something dreamy he has to work like hell.

And it can get messy and complicated and you only quit if you don't care anymore.

Henry still cares so we are full on in it right now. In the shit. It actually feels pretty damn good. I hope we're not crazy. I really do. My butt says yes but my heart says no. Intuition? Or more likely I just have a soft spot for people with big dreams.

I wonder why I have never been able to work this hard for myself? I have never had such clear headed ambition for anything in my life that concerns my own creative spirit. This blog project for example. mea culpa.

I would love it if you could visit. love love love.

Henry also really misses Peter. They text a lot. We did something good for those two I think. They have a familial bond that we helped set up. nice.

I haven't met anyone in San Diego who can do a Valentine Cookie Drop like you my dear. I miss your bakery love. You do your Grandma proud.

Best. Ab

A Good Valentine's Day -- and a Great VW Commercial (MB)

After writing my last posts I felt pretty guilty for blasting such melancholy all over the place. I was clearly misplacing my energy. I have improved my outlook significantly, and my Valentine's Day is a good snapshot of all that is good and how easy it is to see that with things in the proper perspective.

The truth is, I was in Kinko's for almost two hours yesterday evening, yes, Valentine's Day. This sounds like a disaster, but in actuality, it was part of a good Valentine's Day.

The evening before the big V-Day I baked some beautiful cut-out cookies for the kids and some friends. I don't know if you remember this but I do believe a bag of Valentine cut-out cookies was one of my first excuses for randomly coming to your door after having met you a few times when I was new to the Jenifer Street neighborhood and putting myself out there.

I decorated paper bags for the kids, taped some old valentines from the basement on, and filled them with chocolate and I-Tunes cards, put them sitting out for when they woke up.

In the morning I had a quick run with my running buddy and got the kids to school. Madeline was up without prompting and gussying up for the Valentine's Dance. Amazing how motivated a middle school girl can be to get out of bed when there's something to get ready for.

I took our small staff at the non-profit where I'm the director for a Valentine's coffee and got to find out what the other ladies' perspectives were on Valentine's day. The consensus -- good excuse to go for a decent meal. I ate a delicious huge Valentines mint brownie given to me by a co-worker for lunch at my desk. I got almost everything I wanted to get done at work done.

I got a positive update from some family members about my grandma, who was recently admitted to the hospital. Without getting into details, I'll say that she's doing much better, but in the midst of my baking on Monday night and my day on Tuesday, I said a lot of prayers that she would be okay, and I thought a lot about my sense of responsibility to follow through on what that woman (and others) gave to put me and these kids where we are. She was a teenage mom, had 7 kids with the love of her life (I think he was, anyway) and that dude disappeared from the family for a relationship with alcohol addiction by the time she was 30. She figured out a way to get a decent job despite limited education and worked her way through raising all those kids. She still figured out how to be a grandma, too -- inviting each of her 17 grandkids over for sleepovers, providing Christmas gifts for everybody, etc. Anyway, humbling to reflect on all she's done and how spoiled I and my kids are in perspective.

When I came home after work there was a nice card and gift card waiting for me -- again, without getting into detail let's say that it's not a very romantic Valentine's Day, and that's how it should be, but I still got a really nice gift from the guy, which I really appreciated.

I treated myself to a cooks' night off and let the kids get take-out for dinner before taxiing Madeline to her volleyball practice. She and I had a nice conversation on the way there AND back -- a real treat. I allowed Peter to stay home on his own during the practice which means he was psyched -- alone time. And I got over to Kinko's for some work stuff that just needed to get done.

When Mads and I got home, we got to watch "the Voice" with Peter -- all three of us, into it, together.

It was a great day, and I hope yours was too.

Today was a good day too, and I just settled myself in on the couch in the quiet house now that the kids are down. I flipped on the TV to watch the Daily Show and Colbert, and lo and behold -- I saw it! I had heard about your Henry in the VW commercial and I just randomly saw it now for the first time. It is a great commercial, Henry is so great and grown up and handsome, and -- wow! Will this be the reel they play when he is at the top of his fame and on the late night talk shows promoting a movie he stars in, and they ask about how he got started? I guess that new agent -- not to mention your commitment, and the kid's sheer talent -- are paying off!

So. . . . here's a question: what would you think about a visit from Peter, Mads, and myself over our spring break? I'll call you about that one. But you do need to respond to this blog post, honey.

TWO more thoughts (MB)

Hey, I failed to mention:

Yes, intuition is everything!  In fact, I think how we even understand information starts with intuition. We should all be honing the hell out of intuition so we can be better, smarter, etc. Big thoughts and high intelligence are nothing (even hurtful) if you don't know how to put it somewhere toward your/your tribe's survival/well-being. Even now, even in these whack modern times.

Also, tell me more about your budding artist Charlie, and what the other three "boys" are doing. I really miss all of you. Peter keeps talking about coming out there -- he misses Henry more than he realized he would, I do believe.

love

10 Top Profound Thoughts for You Today, January 17th 2012

Abby:

I am dying to write and this is what I can manage today.

Top 10 Profound Thoughts for You Today


1.  You asked about community, in the context of Ancient Greece.  I've been meaning to write a chez d'oeuvre on my views pertinent to this matter.  These views were crystallized not only while I was walking around our formerly shared neighborhood on Halloween (talk about an occasion that will get you fired back up for the community spirit) and as I've conducted my business this fall/early winter, simultaneously sharing meaningful moments with family and friends and feeling it's a good thing to be held accountable to others while also knowing how important it is to have the choice to turn away from the mob once in a while.  Here's where I'm at on that one, and this is to be continued: Modern Community is defined by choice -- we can move to new communities, interact with our family in the way that we choose to, and define our individual selves within or by community.  This modern freedom makes the way we take on "Community" an even greater responsibility or opportunity.  


2.  You mentioned the way you're enjoying your own little mini-community of just the family while you are out there finding your way.  Can I just say for the record that: Right now, there is no greater pleasure or sense of well-being for me than sitting in my house or being on some mundane errand with just me and one or both of my two kids -- ?  This is kind of scary, because I fully realize that this kind of time with them, as it is for us right now, is limited.  And I just don't feel as "right" in any other context.  Even when I have free time I feel better running their laundry or planning their dinner or arranging for our next weekend adventure than doing almost anything else.  I suppose this is what happens to moms.  What's become of me?

3.  I heard yesterday that the third Monday in January is statistically the most depressing day of the year.  Yesterday that day was the celebration of Martin Luther King's birthday, also my beau John's birthday, and I had the distinct pleasure of having my 3-year-old niece with me all day.  It was warm and temperate and we went sledding.  Birthday dinner plans were cancelled due to John's daughter being sick.  We all had the day off of work and school.  All was well.  Maybe it's just symbolized by the droopy Christmas Tree still sitting in my living room, or maybe it's just the Wisconsin sports killing us softly (Packers had an almost perfect season and just lost rather shockingly in the playoffs -- I know it's not your thing necessarily but it does affect morale for my greater community, and myself, and kind of pushes that "why is my life/sports team not perfect and beautiful and always toiling to no glorious end" button) but there is something a bit drab and gloomy about this time of year.


4.  That being said, I did set a pretty kick-ass New Year's Resolution this year and it seems to be working out.  So inspiration has not totally left the scene.  It's all about time management.  Idea being that I have actually created blocks of time for my job, for my business, for my domestic stuff, for working out, etc. -- and plan to stick to those blocks to avoid what happened last year which was one big soup of simultaneous efforts and agendas going on.  I truly think this is already making a difference in my life.  My friend Crystal says if you want to do something or want something to happen, you have to create space for it.  So, in the interest of attending to all of my little mini-agendas, I'm creating special spots for each of them so they have "space" to develop.  I'll keep you posted.  But the fact that I am writing on this blog right now is one example of how this might work.

5.  I think it might be okay in my time management plan, however, to replace work outs with shoveling.  I don't really know if it's an equivalent amount or quality of exercise, but it's something, and it's pretty much impossible to stick to a plan around here when you wake up and have an hour of shoveling to somehow fit into your schedule.  I suppose you really relate to this right now out there in sunny California.  Remember that whole game of feeling so accomplished and sticking your mittens on the heat vent to dry after shoveling, getting cleaned up and ready to go out to do something, getting your kids ready to go, then opening your front door with just enough time to get to your next engagement only to find that the plows had come and deposited     eight inches of hard, dense, crusty mud-snow at the foot of your driveway.  Yeah, you miss it here.  I knew it.

6.  I absolutely must become accomplished in writing now because it's my only hope to salvage respectability as someone with a hint of coolness and a chance at "making it" in any way more note-able than just being a decent professional and a great mom and a generally good person.  I would be perfectly happy with that good person option, mind you, it's just that I am now 34.5 years old, too broke to have any style or plans for exotic adventures, and too happily sucked in to just being a mom and a normal middle American person (see number 2 above) to really even see a path toward any unique accomplishment or hip contribution or wild and crazy narrative.  Except, of course, sitting my ass in front of this laptop and starting to say something worthwhile that might actually get me somewhere unexpected.  I think I may have the ability and some decent things to say.  Let me know if you have any thoughts on this.


7.  Relevant to numbers 1 through 4 above, I miss you.  I'm not hangin with too many women these days, and you may recall that the moms that I hang with are mostly 10 years older than me.  I need somebody who really knows me and cares about me and gets that my narrative is a little off the beaten path to help me figure some things out these days.  For example, how the hell should I look at my life trajectory right now?  Should I try to get some form of "settled down" established so that my kids can go off to college with a feeling that they have that stable base that middle-class kids are supposed to feel?  Or should I say -- when I turn 40, my two kids will already be in college so I am going to go do some crazy shit that I didn't get to do when I was 25?  Or -- ?  Now I have a friend or two who are completely in favor of the latter (live for YOU and your one special life and adventure) and then have other very important people in my life who wouldn't even understand any option other than the married-with-a-house-and-a-401(K)-and-matching-dishes version of life -- which, I might add, I am still self-consciously far from.  Again, I welcome your thoughts.


8.  I picked up that book Flow again.  I love the idea of engaged activity and I'm getting better at putting that whole theory to practice.  Here's the part I'm hung up on.  Best possible satisfaction and experience comes from the correct cross-section of adequately high expectations, and adequately high skills in reaching those expectations.  So if you rock low expectations, not so satisfying.  If you fail to meet inappropriately high expectations, also not good.  This pertains to #7 above, but how do we set high enough expectations to create adequate challenge but still have a good shot at reaching them?  


9.  What the hell is the deal with long-term relationships?  I have no idea what I am doing here.  Help!


10.  All of this expounding aside, I just want to say for the record that all I really want is for my family to be happy, healthy, and successful (in grounded terms), to get to spend time with interesting people who I love, to have enough money in the bank to not worry about it, and to be pretty sure I made things better in the world and not worse.  I'd also like to create one thing to be proud of (in addition to my kids).  And, I'd like to see the world a bit and learn more about this great mystery that we all experience, so I can create even better stuff based on all that exposure.  Considering these foundations and my desire to properly address #s 1, 2, 6, 7, 8, and 9 above, I've determined that I'd really, really like to get me and the kids out there in the next year or so, and possibly even convince you and the boys to take a drive over the border with us.  Little MX adventure?  


That's all for now, Ab.  Life is good and never ceases to challenge.  Glad I've got you, even if remotely for now.